{my musings...}

i live a quiet, slow life.  i pull over for sunsets and am infatuated by sea foam.  i make a living capturing beautiful moments.  i don't watch much tv and never turn on the news.  i don't own a gun and never will.  i believe whole heartedly in a big God that can run the world without me...and i do my best to live like it.  i like  to keep the focus on living in the moment as much as anyone can.

last friday, i heard of the connecticut tragedy through my sister.  i spent the next few hours glued to my computer searching for updates--watching closely as they interviewed shocked children and falsely reported bits of news and gossip intermittently.  i was fixated on this tragedy...trying to gather information in lieu of the control i craved.

when my kindergarten son jumped in my car after school later that day, i could barely look at him without losing it.  i was so lucky.  i was so very very lucky to have two wonderful, healthy children.  i was startled by the feelings of guilt that rumbled in my soul.  i felt guilty that my kids came home on friday and 20 other mom's sweet babies did not.

i wish i could say i loved my kids better these last two days but honestly, i grieved all weekend.  couldn't shake the dark cloud in my soul from all the heartbreak i saw on my computer screen. i couldn't stop thinking about the kids.  the moms.  the police.  the town.  the gunman.  his brother.  i guess i'm the sensitive type--that's why i don't watch the news in the first place.  this horrific story sucked me in and spit me out, and rendered me useless.  my imagination took over and ran so many scenarios in my head it made me tired.  i found myself scampering back and forth from trying to find answers to searching for someone to shake and blame.  the answers and the blaming made me feel, once again...as if i had some control over what happened...thousands of miles from me...in a school i'd never before heard of...to children and families i'd never met.  silly, yes...but all too human.

over the weekend i noticed some people only needed hours to mutate this tender situation into a political debate.  i was surprised to find that this was the time for the great gun debate and the lack of government help for the mentally handicapped.  the more i thought about them and their opinions, the more those people were just like me...trying to find someone to blame.  trying to find just the right angle to grasp some precious control in this chaotic world we live in.  less guns, more guns, better health care...i heard and saw it all.

i took it all in and was greatly saddened as a greater perspective pervaded my thinking. there really is no answer to this one.   but, oh how we want one!  we are all searching for it.  we want the police to come back with an investigation that uncovers all the tell tale signs of why this young boy made these choices.  we want that information to be able to stop any chance of a "next time".   but whatever the investigation turns up--there is not, and never will be, a clear person to blame here.  there is no reason for this.  there is no legislation that can help and no doors big and strong enough to protect our children.

i guess i think that this connecticut tragedy, like all the rest of them...is a human problem.  one that's been around forever.  only the near sighted can believe that this is a new problem.  the weapons we have make it look a little different but in Bible times as well as now...hurt people, hurt people.  always have and always will.  guns or not.  laws or not.  health care or not.  hurt people, hurt people and the only way out of this crazy cycle of hurt is...LOVE.  love is the only known antidote of hurt.  love heals.

i'm simple.  i'm idealistic.  i know i'm a little out there but ... i think LOVE is the only preventative to this human problem.  i wonder, who was in adam's life?  loving him?  befriending him?  as a child...as a teenager...through his parents divorce...at his dr's appointments?  who cared about him before this day?  who noticed him?  who called out his strengths and encouraged him???  

here's what i know...love changes things.  and if i want things to change, i think it's my calling to love my neighbors...my friends...my friends kids...MY KIDS...my kids friends...people i meet in the store or at a basketball game.  i think the very tiniest thing i can do in response to such a crisis is to love those around me.  not just the ones i want to.  not just the ones that smell good and make me laugh.  not just my own kids or family either.  no, it's not that simple.  i think it's my calling to love all those i come in contact with.  hurt will always happen.  there is no getting around that.  but if love heals hurt and i have some to give...why i am i not passing more of it out?

this world changing love i'm talking about, it must be bold.  this love can't take no for an answer.  this kind of love sails over uncomfortability.  love loves awkward.  love does it anyway.  this brand of love doesn't need guns to change things...it needs people...people willing to love.  love hard.  love with their whole lives.

we americans make love into something we keep very private.  we take care of our own and that is all.  we barely give our neighbor's christmas cookies, for heaven sake!  it's very american to like our space and our boundaries and our privacy.  people are weird-ed out by acts of love because we are independent and strong...and sadly, love has become a bit of a rarity.  we are all too busy arguing on facebook about whether or not teachers should have assault rifles to look around and practice loving the hurt people all around us.  our debates on fb and these very words on my blog...they don't require much...it's easier to argue over guns and healthcare then to simply, love each other.  

now, lets be honest, this kind of love takes work...sacrifice.  it may sound over simplified but love is hard.  it's selfless.  it's time consuming.  it's an interruption.   it requires slowing down and looking around.  it requires getting out of OUR comfort zone to help.  to hug.  to listen.  love can be expensive.  love can be tiring. but if love is the only thing that can promise healing in this broken world my children live in...then i will give my life to love.

roadtrip rant

i just got back from a long drive to see my baby sister.   if i had my choice of people to be related to, i'd pick my 4 siblings every time.  we have a fierce love and loyalty to each other.  it's so very hard living so far from them all...

so, normally my sister trips are under better circumstances--we laugh and cook and laugh and eat and laugh and talk...and laugh some more...and eat some more:) this time notsomuch.  my sis savannah just moved to virginia and had a weeklong stay in the icu.  her husband works out of town and stayed with her as long as he could...but practically, he had to get back to work after a week.  so, i had to go.  work, life, family, to do lists, money and everything else could wait.  my sister was alone and sick and just needed someone...whether SHE thought so or not.  so we packed some bags and booked a rental car (neither of our cars were up for a roadtrip) and went.

eric drove me and those children of mine to pick up the priceline-super-cheap rental car for our lil roadtrip...fully expecting a lil prius or corolla...instead, the kind mustached man at the counter gave me the keys to a brand new red mustang.  ARE U KIDDING ME?  this sister trip just got a lil extra wonderful!!!  i'm not a sports car kinda girl...but for a road trip?  up the coast?  with my kiddos?  in the summer?  you betcha.  the 3 of us just pretended we owned that fine pony for a few glorious days.  i tried my best not to think about how i was cheating on my maroon 2001 chevy malibu with no air conditioner or cd player waiting for me at home and just drove...

we went north.  past savannah georgia, past charleston sc, past myrtle beach and up to richmond va.

we sang some taylor swift and drew some silly pictures and stopped at red boxes for more movies all along the way.  my kids were perfect angels.  they are roadtrip warriors.  they know a good roadtrip requires little to no whining, lots of good music, snacks and entertaining yourself.  man, i love those two.

with rhett's curly head playing gi joes in the backseat and jae riding shotgun with sunglasses and a good book...there were no backseat squabbles.  they were both tickled that we were driving the "fast car" and were on their very best behavior.

that left me & music & the mustang & an open road.  i literally took one highway for all but 30 min of the drive--it was ideal.  the luxury of uninterrupted thinking time was like a spa for my soul.  there was nothing to do but drive and think.  there was no guilt.  there was nothing else i could be doing--should be doing.  no dishes or pictures or fun games or sunshine a-wasting...just me & driving.  i am so sidetracked on a daily basis.  i have a bit of a.d.h.d. that keeps me...in a constant state of crazy.  so when i can focus on just one thing...it's beautiful.  it was a wonderful blur.

with my gramma's weather navigation helping me all the way--we eventually made it to vannah.  we talked her ear off (rhett mostly), loved on her, fed her, babied her a little and saw some sights.  it was so very good to see her home and that she was on the mend from her awful week in the hospital.  i so would have regretted not going up to make sure that she was going to be okay...it was a good trip...but i couldn't help looking forward to that wonderful mustang drive home.

we got in the car and did much of the same thing on the way back...but instead of north we drove south.  i was a little sad driving away from my sister (always am) so we made up a car game called the happy list.  jae and i went through the whole alphebet thinking of something that starts with each letter that makes us totally blissfully happy.  she'd write hers and mine--hers and mine.  than when we were done and satisfied with our answers we asked rhett his unbiased opinion on which was better.  anne of green gables or airplanes.  bubble tea or baths.  the circus or citrus smells.  i won.  :)  it cheered me right up and on we drove.  i spent the whole drive up to virginia untangling my very crazy, knotted, un-looked after thoughts so the drive back i was able to come to some clear conclusions...and here they are.  i just have to share a bit of my crazy...

i've been living a very frustrating life as of late.  i've been expecting perfection from myself and those around me.  i have had the crazy notion that if i practice doing the things that don't come easy to me (organization, cleanliness, silence, self restraint, responsibility, punctuality, faithfulness, etc) that soon enough not only would i be creative and fun and flexible and thoughtful...i would be all those other wonderful things too.  well...i've spent the last year discovering that is NOT how life works.  but it's the doctrine under which i've been ordering my life.  what has happenned is i am expending so much energy trying to get better at the things i stink at that...i have no energy left to be what i am.  what He made me.  i am not saying He made me perfect and i just "need to be me".  i am not saying that there is not room for growth.  but the growth must happen in His time and under His masterful soul tending hand otherwise...well...i've found there is little light in the world.

all of my life people have pointed at me and said things like, "you are too ____."  fill in the blank with things like loud, opinionated, weird, random, late, irresponsible.  and i've felt those things like i feel everything...very intensely.  so in my new start in florida i've tried not to be those things...because alot of those things have gotten me in trouble.  with my fresh florida start i wanted to be the best version of myself ever...and yet...it's been so very confusing.  i've been so frustrated with trying to be someone else for all the noblest reasons.

somewhere between virginia and florida He uncovered the truth that He doesn't want me to change myself...HE wants to redeem who i am.  BIG thought (for me at least).  this thought brought relief to my heart and tears to my eyes.  He wants to take what i already am--my loud, opinionated day dreaming idealistic self and He wants to change none of that...He just wants to use it for His good instead of my own...AH HA!  so very simple (it always is).

i've been trying to inch grace out of my life.  i've been thinking that He wants me to be more like Him...He's probably ready to see me change and grow and i'm going too slow.  but in my rush...i ended up right back where i started....basking in His grace.  His grace + nothing.  and here i was trying so hard...

i got out of that mustang a different girl.  i feel like i've been trying to clean the mansion of my soul for the last year...a mansion that has some wonderful things to enjoy but i never let myself sit down.  there was always another dusty corner or dirty bathroom i had to tend to.  it was work work work.  my Father was shaking His head the whole time saying something like, "martha, martha" i'm sure.  but i was too busy to hear His voice.  i thought i knew what He wanted....obedience, self discipline, growth...but turns out all He wanted was me.  He didn't want an un-lexi version of lexi...He just wanted me as is....and He could handle the changing.  He wants the airheady, irresponsible, un-phone call returning me.

this is my road trip truth.  it feels like i just stepped out of the library and into the book.  everything looks wonderful again.  everything looks exciting and colorful.  and the knot of frustration that was stealing all my strength...yea, He untangled that.  i just had to drive 22 hours to create time to see what He wanted to show me.

i love roadtrips...and rants...and freedom.

{my sea change}

sea change

1. a striking change, as in appearance, often for the better.

2. any major transformation or alteration.

3. a transformation brought about by the sea.

this weekend stirred my soul.  i have lots of time to think lately...i'm doing little but sitting and editing all the wonderful photos i took on my latest trip to kansas city.  i'm listening to good music and spending lots of minutes talking to my Creator.  our talks go something like me begging for direction and Him being quiet.  (sigh)  rhett is getting big...my momma duties are slowly and steadily waning.  when he's in school...then what?  photography full time?  back to school full time?  these are my questions and all i've heard in return is 

{silence}.  

but sometime this weekend a sea change has occured.  a change in the deep waters of my soul and because of this i've decided to do a few things.  things new and scary to me.  a few bucket list items and few things that before this sea change i never dreamed i'd ever want to do...let alone actually invite into my life.  this sea change has brought about 3 specific things to the surface.

1. i'm learning to swim.

i'm athletic.  it's not like i'm gonna drown when i jump in the deep end but i've always been the girl that said, "nah, i just don't like to swim".  so i'd tan poolside.  it's so unlike me to sit on the side but in this case i would just take a dip when i got hot.  i went in the ocean til i felt a little creeped out and then i'd start swimming for shore.  my swim avoidance is deep seeded.  some scary abuse related things happened to me in swimming pools as a kid and i guess i've held onto that and made it part of who i am and...i'm done with that now.  i'm learning to swim.  front stroke, back stroke--all of it.  i still need to find a teacher...but figure He'll bring one along. my goal is ocean swimming without that scrambly feeling inside.  i'm oddly excited to jump in a pool and feel like "i got this".  who knows, maybe there is some surfing in my future;)

2.  starting tomorrow i'm getting up every morning at 6:30am to meet God and the ocean.

i am not a morning person.  until now i could think of nothing on God's green earth that could get me up at that evil hour.  until i met the ocean...and now it's only 10 minutes from my front door.  starting tomorrow i'm waking up before my family, donning my workout clothes, grabbing my Bible and maybe a journal and heading for the door.  i'm hoping to read and journal for the first bit and then go for a run/walk on the beach to begin each day.  it sounds glorious to me.  i'm so excited to start!  i want to invite beauty into my everyday life...aaaaand a little self disipline.  any one who knows me knows that this is no small undertaking...

3.  last but not least...i'm taking guitar lessons.  

this might seem silly to you.  but i want to invite new things into my life.  i want to be able to take music with me everywhere i go.  i want to be able to take a guitar along to the beach and worship my Creator one day.  an ipod or begging someone to come along to play music for me just won't cut it anymore.  i love music.  it comes pretty easy to me.  it's gonna happen.  music lessons aren't just for my kiddos.  (although i'm hoping to teach jae every day when i get home from my lessons.)  so i'm on the hunt for a cheap guitar...i think i have someone to teach me already...

in the scope of things...these 3 things are miniscule.  but they are big to me.  i don't wanna be scared.  i wanna invite beauty into my life. and i wanna do new things.  i still don't know what i'm going to do next year when rhett goes to school.  still asking Him daily but i'm taking a few steps away from me and towards Him and i'm excited to see what He will do...

this is my sea change.  

{mud caked moments}

since moving to florida i've seen a certain kinda freedom flourish in my husband.  i think it must be the combination of the salty air and the magic of moving.  there is something about moving far away from normal that gives a person the freedom to be different.  sometimes when you stay in one place for awhile you get used to everyone around you telling you who you are and as homey as home is, it can be a harsh environment for change.  it seems to me when everything is new it gives birth to even more newness--like a spring of the soul.  don't get me wrong...it's not all sunny.  there is lots of rain but it's a season of growth just the same.  it's a fresh start in your head and heart...if nothing else.

this move has been such an adventure for our family!  that spirit of adventure has taken hold of eric and i and we've made a habit of dropping everything and going to the beach and driving around looking for never-before-seen things.  it's like we have eyes for the everyday again and when everything is an adventure it turns thursday nights into muddy messes:)

today, thursday,  was jaeda's first day o summer and it was rainy...and has been all week.  ugh.  or as rhett would say, "that's boo." this afternoon, eric called me from work and said,

"hey, when i get home have the kiddos dressed in clothes they can get messy in...i've been staring out my window at this muddy field all day and i just kinda wanna go play in it.  if this rain keeps up we are going to find a muddy field to jump in!"

 i was super excited and a bit surprised...these wild ideas are usually mine!  i kinda love messes and was super excited for something fun to do on another boring rainy day, so as soon as eric got home from work we loaded our curious kids up and went on a search for a muddy field and pond size puddles.

:)  we haven't had this much fun together in a looooong time.  we parked at an empty park, turned the radio up and left the windows down and played in the warm summer rain.  we belly flopped and puddle stomped...we slid and skid and wrestled and rolled.  it. was. awesome.

at one point the girl turned to me giggling and said, "oh my gosh, you are a MESS!  you have mud all over your face...it kinda looks like poop!"

i laughed.

her comment was purely ridiculous...because that girl was covered in a lovely mixture of sand, dirt, grass and rainwater...

and then i heard that still small voice.  i knew it was that spirit voice that sneaks even into these silly seconds and (if you are listening) makes teachable moments out of mud caked memories.

somewhere inside i heard a whisper.  "and that is how insanely ridiculous it sounds to me when you look at another child of mine in judgement".

what? whoa.

i blinked and looked at my filthy daughter.  moments before she had literally been rolling in the mud...and then she got up and laughed at how dirty i was...

this is how the Father feels about my judgement of others.  this is how silly it sounds to Him when i, in my sin filthy state...have the audacity to turn to another dirty soul and say,

"oh, wow, now you're a mess!"

hmmmmmmm....

i went back to puddle jumping with the kiddos.  we splished and splashed until we'd all had enough.  we laid towels on the carseats, opened the windows and turned up the music and sang all the way home.  we all fought over the showers and made some dinner and as i tucked my clean kids in their beds on the first day of summer i was thankful.

thankful for summer rain, for an adventurous husband and for teachable mud caked moments with my Father.

snowstorms & symphonies

lately i've been thinking about how many things are going on at once...from the microscopic to the cosmic & you and me in between.  


think about it...


there are whole worlds we don't see underground, in space, down the street, in every house, underfoot, in the corner of my room, in my body, under the sea,  all of which exist in the same moment.  to a girl who struggles with multi tasking--my Father's ability to balance/plan/handle it all may be the most awe inspiring thing about Him!  the whole world, seen and unseen, is churning with LIFE and it is God, my Father, that is the stirrer of it all.  in psalms david calls Him:


...Earth Tamer, Ocean Pourer, Mountain Maker, Hill Dresser, Muzzler of sea storm and wave crash...
found in psalm 65:2-8 the message


i was texting my friend sara this morning...and she informed me that her early morning flight to cali was delayed by a snowstorm in denver.  


in that moment i could see it all so clearly--how frustrated i would be if that was me...how--if it were me--i would shrink the snowstorm to be an annoyance instead of a His wonderful, white, song. 


i have been to a few symphonies in my day (thanks mom).  at the time i was just a kid (with a touch of a.d.d.) and needless to say, i didn't really enjoy the experience.  looking back now--the one thing i always found fascinating was the conductor.  i could scarcely tear my eyes from him.  his whole body was passionately involved in song.  how did he know when each instrument was supposed to come in???  i was enchanted with how he controlled the explosion of sound--pushing and pulling the song louder and softer with his hands.  from drums to tubas, clarinets to flutes--all the instruments played their parts and waited on his hands to move...


for some reason, when i got sara's text about her flight being delayed, all i could see was my Father directing that snowstorm like a Divine Conductor--making the snow dance to his rhythm and cadence.  all i could see for a split second was how all of life is a symphony singing to His tune--how each note waits on His hands to move.  the snow, sara's life, mine, these brown boxes i've been packing...it was all very much like a scene from disney's fantasia...boxes, brooms, snowstorms & me and you--everything in this world moving to His music.


thinking about just how many worlds He is simultaneously conducting makes each snowstorm in my life look more like a symphony and less like an annoyance.  somehow He's got everything singing His praises.  

and it's up to us to join the chorus.

what a beautiful snapshot of Himself He gave me this morning.  call me crazy but i treasure these little pictures He paints in my head... 

BFF's & box-o-date-night

once you've been friends with someone for awhile--it's fun to talk first impressions.

at first, my best friend lyndsey thought i was an african american single mother (i do get pretty tan in the summer;).

her husband paul, dubbed my eric, 'sir frown alot' (his words--not mine) and was scared to approach him at church.

the moment i heard lyndsey's voice on my answering machine asking us to come to her "small group" i was convinced she was a crazy church lady...

fast forward 8 years...

together we've celebrated so many birthdays, christmases (even our "friend anniversaries") not to mention the birth of 3 of our kiddos. today the perry family is an extension of my own.  i've never met two more generous and open-hearted individuals.  if you don't know them--you should.  if you can't tell yet--i'm their biggest fan:)  we are sweatpants-wearing, late-night-taco-bell-running, chinese-food sharing, two-slices-of-pie-kinda-friends.  we've been each other's first call with good news...and midnight call when things were crazy.  for years we lived just 6 doors down...then we lived together, then just a 10 minute drive apart...and now we live 1200 miles away.  

i've found the very best things even distance can't touch.  i have a handful of friendships from my hometown that i know will always be the same...the perry's are one of them.  they are...well...i just think everyone should have friends like them.  friends to have fun with, to unwind with, to celebrate with, mourn with, fight with, make up with--friends to walk with. no comparisons or competitions (unless we are talking a foot race or a throwing competition--then IT'S ON!!)  but seriously, we've walked down some pretty treacherous stretches of road together.  there were times where it seemed too hard...and yet right there was where we found grace fit just perfectly.

as i journey through this life i'm discovering that i've been spoiled--friendships like this are rare.

more rare than i knew.

 i miss them (like crazy).  

we recieved a surprise package from the perry clan last week.  naturally we ripped it open right away!  inside we found  something so remarkable.

 it was an at home date night--all boxed up and ready to go!  paul and lynz know that eric and i haven't gotten much face time since moving away (turns out there is a severe shortage of babysitters when you don't know anyone).  so they put together a box o date night...complete with instructions for us and the kiddos.

 we even had homework to complete before our date :)

 the date box was jam packed with fun stuff for the kiddos to keep themselves busy.  boy did their eyes widen when they saw all the junk food momma linny had packed for them!!!

 jaeda had strict instructions to take care of rhett...to make their dinner and pop them popcorn...while they watched the brand NEW MOVIE the perry's had sent!  she loved the responsibility.  daddy paul and momma linny know her too well...

 meanwhile, eric and i were given an envelope with money for dinner and a few connecting questions to ask and answer under the florida stars...i think the list went something like:

• share something that you appreciate about your spouse
• share something new about yourself with your spouse
• share one of your hopes for the future
• share one thing that puzzles you about your spouse
• share a complaint with a request

after weeks and months of kiddos and kiddos and getting settled and kiddos and of eric having to do homework after the kiddos went to bed, it was so lovely to hear from his heart...

we reconnected over some yummy sushi...(although it's no moonlight)

and just like that--the perry's and their little brown box brought out the best in us.  we walked away from our little date night feeling so refreshed.  their thoughtful gift made us feel oh so loved--even from a thousand miles away!

after our date there was one more envelope for jaeda's eyes only...it was an envelope with money for the "sitter".  she was thrilled...to say the least!

gosh, it was such a fun night.  we've decided we're gonna send them a similar box soon...and start a new tradition with these friends of ours...
(love you perry's!!!)

if you don't have friends like these perry people--you should find you some.  inviting people into your life can be tough...but man, it sure does make the ride worthwhile...

take a chance--invest in friends.

salad spinning!

i should probably be doing something constructive with my time and energy.  i should be packing.  i should be emailing.  instead i've made a mess with my kiddos and a salad spinner:)

we invented our own artsy game this afternoon and if you're sitting around with your salad spinner--bored to death, with nothing to do...here's what we suggest:

first--gather some random supplies like:

• 6 colors of paint (kinda thin works better...we added water)

• 6 different kinds of paper

• alphabet stickers or markers (or both)

• a dice (oversized is most fun)

• a dictionary or theasarus (or any book for that matter)

• and lastly--a salad spinner (i didn't have one but picked up a cheapy at ikea juuuust for this lil project)

okay, after you've gathered your supplies, number the paper choices, #1-6 and number the paint colors #1-6. get creative (we used some random vintage numbers i got in my stocking this year but you could tear up peices of paper...whatever you got.)

okay so, here's how you play!  a roll of the dice always decides what you will do next--starting with type of paper you get to use.  i tried to choose papers of all different kinds to make it more fun.  so for instance, in this case, if you rolled a 1 you'd get to use the cool white bumpy paper and so on...

once you've rolled to decide which paper to use, next you roll to decide how many colors you get to add to the salad spinner when creating your piece.  THEN you roll to decide which specific colors to add.  

so if you roll a 1 and the green paint is labeled 1 you get a green dollop on the paper...if you roll a 5 and the white paint is labeled 5 you get to place a dollop of white on the paper (in the salad spinner).  i'm the world's worst explainer...i hope this is making sense!

after all this rolling of the dice...which makes things super exciting and suspenseful--place the paper in the salad spinner...we trimmed ours a bit so it would fit properly.  we taped it  down on the backside so it wouldn't slide around when the spinning got crazy!

here comes the fun part!  once you've rolled to choose the paper and rolled to choose how many colors and rolled to choose which colors--you put the lid back on the salad spinner and spin away!!!

the kiddos loved this part!  heck, i did too!  it was fun to see just how fast we could get it going and how fast we could change directions!

wait...don't stop here...it gets better.  then you get to open the lid to reveal the first step of your masterpiece!  

it was way fun to see what the salad spinner does to different papers and different consistencies of paint...your older kids will think so too...now your younger kids--they'll just want to spin spin spin away!

you could stop the lil game here but we didn't want to...we wanted to add WORDS.  so we rolled the dice one last time to decide which page of the book our magic art word would come from.

obviously the dice didn't go up to page 1415 like our theasarus did, so we just rolled for the last number of the page.  so if you roll a 6 on the dice you'd  flip the book open to the first page that ends in 6 and stop there....(example pg 1216.)  THEN you get to chose a word...ANY word you like from that page.  maybe you like the way it looks or sounds or perhaps the meaning.  it doesn't matter...it's your word.  you  get to choose.  this part is soooo fun to me...'specially with wonderboy.  he chose, blast off, belt and numeric. so wonderfully random!  jaeda chose creamy, creative and awesome.  i love how she put some thought and her personality into her choices...also beautiful!

so, here are our finished products!  i can't tell you how much fun we had making these mini masterpieces!!

rhett's 1st

rhett's 2nd (loved that he chose numeric as his "word".  because the piece is numeric since it all depended on the number of a dice:)

rhett's 3rd!

jae's 1st

jae's 2nd

jae's 3rd

and of course i had to do one too!  agh!!!  we had so much fun with this lil artsy game:)  you have to try it or something like it and show us what you come up with!

p.s. this is what the salad spinner looked like afterwards...kinda cool, right?!?

the first time

let's play a little game called...

when was the last time you did something for the first time?

firsts can be exciting...they can draw us up and out of our routines and things. they can also be hard and embarrassing.  sometimes they can be fun, sometimes frustrating...sometimes scary or amazing.  sometimes all of this at once!  helen keller once said, "life is an adventure or it's nothing at all."  

so what's yours gonna be?  

find a first to tackle today.  it's easy.  it's free.  take it all in...stop to wonder at the weird parts all the while enjoying the lovely.

several firsts that could fit into your day:

read a book you don't think you'll like

eat indian food

sing on your way to work/school

give something special to you away

compliment a stranger

send flowers anonymously to someone who'll never guess

dance in your car

celebrate your unbirthday (with a cake and everything)

talk to the postman

start a tradition

collect raindrops

leave a post it note on the mirror in the public bathroom saying something like "you are fabulous"

turn up the music

leave some change in the vending machine or in the little crappy toy machine at the front of walmart

use this post as an excuse to do something out of your comfort zone.  and if someone laughs...tell em there's this crazy girl on the internet that dared you to do it.

happy tuesday.

the monday mornings...

one day, far away--i just know i'm gonna look back and wish i could step into a mundane monday morning when my kiddos were 10 and 4.

 i'll wish i could wake up to the janurary florida sun in my face and sounds of my raccoon rhett scrounging around in the kitchen for something he knows he's not supposed to eat in the morning.

someday...i'll wish i had that blonde haired blue eyed girl o mine crawl into my bed for a few snuggles before the wonderboy comes to crash the party and steal the covers and turn our quiet morning into a wwf smackdown.

someday...i know i'll miss jae's freckled little girl face and the way she wrinkles her nose when she smiles.  oh and that crazy crazy laugh of hers...someday when she's too cool to get the giggles--i guess i'll miss that too.

one day when wonderboy has hair on his face i'll wish i had kissed him on his smooth little cheeks more  often.

someday i'll wish i could listen to his incessant chatter. 

someday i'll probably even wish that i could hear those two hoodlums fight.  i'll wish that they were close enough for it to be my turn to tuck them in.

someday, i'll want this morning back...but today...today feels like i'm just doing it all over again.

sometimes (especially on mondays) it's hard for me to get going.

because today, on that freckled 10 year old face...just under that wrinkled lil nose--is a pink mouth with a dimple that has nothing but negative things to say lately.

today...that wonderboy will wear his mortal momma out.  he'll fight and scream about all life's little un-fun things--and it's up to me to teach him different.

today there is a stack of boxes as tall as me in my garage that need to be packed with all my junk.

today there is a certain little girl's room that appears to be carpetless because someone started cleaning out her desk and quit the hopeless job right in the middle.

today there are emails and phone calls and lots of grown up stuff to take care of....and really on this mundane monday...i'd much rather stay in bed.

so friends...this is what got me outta bed this morning:

homemade chai tea latte
my friend, the sun, promising another yellow day
3 bananas that will make that negative lil girl of mine some banana pudding (just because)
that kissable spot on wonderboy's neck that probably needs some monday morning snuggles
thoughts of decorating my new nest (we are moving in 2 weeks!)
ideas of park hopping and swing flying with my boy
four little squat jars from ikea that beg for purpose
the ocean...so looking forward to the next time i can dig my toes in the sand and stick my nose in the salty air.
a dirty house--and how good it'll feel to get 'er clean again
the salad spinner i bought for a fun paint project this week
a few fun phonecalls to kc friends that i didn't get to talk to over the weekend

most days it's easy to find things to jump outta bed for.  but my mondays seem to start a lil slower...and i have to scavenge to find some things to be thankful for.  today, my monday morning scavenger hunt unearthed some treasures to pull me outta bed and back to life.  i'd love to know what gets you guys outta bed on these mundane mornings...

my lilac story

{picture by blue ampersand photography}

i've always had this thing with lilacs.  there is something about those brown winter sticks turning to fragrant  purple blooms--they never fail to remind me of great possibilities--year after year.  the very shade of purple makes me wonder just how much red and blue God mixed together to make them.  they smell like eden and oh how they sing of spring...


yesterday i was catching up with an old dear friend of mine--who has the best lilac bushes EVER!  her lilacs are like trees!  they are massive and wonderful...absolutely laden with purple and white blooms.  we were just chatting about things and spring and then she said,


"lex, you will enjoy this.  I had to cut my lilacs--all but one--to the ground.  they were in such bad shape.  it will take them a couple of years but they will be lovely for years to come.  i did that to one of them when we first moved in but was chicken to do it to all of them in case it killed them and all of the books were fibbing.  the one i cut back is now BEAUTIFUL."


i was breathless.  i felt like she was telling me my own story.  ever since we talked i've been thinking about those lilacs.  they were seriously taller than me...and to an untrained eye (me), they were perfect.  but my friend is an amazing gardener and she could see that they weren't what they were supposed to be.  they were okay but in their wild beauty they were getting too out of control for their health.  so she cut them back.  not a trim.  not even a buzzcut but she pruned them back to THE GROUND.  they won't bloom for years...but when they do...i should be able to smell them from here...


i feel like this florida move was the Master gardener's "cutting me back".  in the last 5 years i've experienced growth like no other time in my life.  i've gone through alot...and with His help came out better than before...more alive...a little more like Him.  but if i'm honest, i guess i was growing a little wild.  life was busy-out -of -control-topsy-turvy with kids and brighton road and family and church and friends and scribble studios.  to undiscerning eye (like mine) things looked amazing but He knew...He knew some pruning was in order.  not just a trim.  not even a buzz...but a cutting me back to the ground so i could grow back healthier in time.


this time of pruning is oh so bittersweet.  i LOVE the adventure...the ocean mist...the sunshine.  i LOVE the time with my kiddos...and it makes me sad to see how much i've missed while living life at a break neck speed.  i don't miss the pace of my kc life but i miss the people.  my people. and i miss the dreams...


i walked away from some pretty incredible dreams when i moved away from kc. some wild and wonderful dreams like scribble studios.  i had my own space and place to encourage creativity and inspire wonder into the hearts of today's technologically overloaded children.  i made this place with my own two hands...i was in love with it. absolutely intoxicated with the ideas and possibilities of just how far it could fly.  BUT...it was like my 3rd child.  it took all my time and energy.  i was up there as often as i could be...doing the work of 3 people.  and let's face it...i'm no business person...i just had lots of creativity to contribute. but scribble was my happy place...and i was finally using my gifts and living life to the full!!!  sitting and sketching in that crazy attic space was my eden.  and i walked away...


i walked away from my photography business that was just beginning to bloom and grow.  the growth kept me working...ALOT.  away from kids...ALOT.  but it was supporting my family so how could i just stop???  i couldn't just walk away...so He took me away.


my kc schedule made my head hurt.  all the internal expectations from friends and family.  i am a blessed girl.  i have too many kc girlfriends, couple friends and people i just love to spend time with!  over achiever that i was, i tried to do it all...there was no pressure from anyone but myself to keep up all my friendships--it was something i wanted to do.  squeezing them all in meant squeezing my sweet lil family out...and so...He pruned that back too.


in thinking about these lilacs and their pruning...i couldn't help but think there were a few places in the Bible where it talks about Him being a gardener...so i did a lil internet word search and found quite a few obvious spots--He started everything off in a garden for goodness sake!  He tells me to look at the wildflowers...He says He is the vine...He went to the garden to pray and He was first spotted after resurection--in a garden.  He likens Himself to a patient gardener in luke and various other places in the old testement.  it seems He knows a thing or two about planting and harvesting and growing fruit and things of that nature...so i'm assuming He knows what He's doing right now...with me.  i sure am glad He's patient...


after hearing my friend denise's lilac story...i did a little research on lilacs and found out that they prefer full sun (like me) and it made me smile.  here i am, like the lilac, starting over.  no friends, no business, no scribble studios.  i'm back to the basics.  family and God...and i'm hoping i grow up healthier this time--knowing when to say yes and when to say no--honoring only my Father and Gardener with my growth.


i told my lilac pruning friend, denise to keep me posted on the those beauties and let me know how they do this spring...and next--unless they die...that would suck.  she said she would and--like a good friend--said if they died she'd lie and just get new ones without telling me;)


so i guess it's me and the lilacs, racing towards the sun...

practice

this is what i hear in my head and heart lately.  

as homesickness sets in and my grand florida adventure gets umm...a little less sunny...i hear, 

"practice doing the hard things lex.  walk across the room...chat with the waitress...the mom at the park...serve your husband...again and again...no breaks from crazy kiddos in florida--no mama linny's, mama lyssa's, ky ky's, gramma connie's, or darcie's".

i've been telling myself that if there's any chance of being different--of encountering the kind of change that makes me look more like Jesus (and less like lexi), i have to make it a habit to take the road less traveled--to count myself smallest--to be the first to be last.  

these are all great words and i know you're nodding along with me--i can feel it.  but when i drag them into reality--it's not as rosy as it should be...as i thought it would be...practice hasn't made perfect.  practice has made...me pretty frustrated.

tonight this verse kinda shook up my hard working thoughts...

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. wow. all those older ladies that i idolize.  the ones with hospitality pouring from their hands and praise from their lips...the kind, gentle, graceful women that i long to be like...the ones who give hugs and compliments.  the ones you run into at the grocery store and the next thing you know you are chatting with a glass of wine in their livingroom?   there is no practicing doing hard things to get there--there is no road less traveled.  He is the road.  and that is all.   be near Him and connected to Him and fruit will sprout and grow.   now...i think...those lovely ladies probably practice doing hard things everyday...i've watched them...they definitely don't take the chicken exit often...but it's through His strength ALONE. in His upside down kingdom practice doesn't mean a thing.  and that sounds both scary and wonderful...so out of the lines and yet so refreshing... yup, that's the One i love.  always setting me free...in ways i didn't know i was bound...

forts & lunch & hide-n-go seek

someday i'm gonna want this tuesday back...someday when my boy is grown and my house is empty and my hands aren't quite as busy.  so there is some urgency behind how i spend my tuesday.  i could fill it with fb, or email or pinterest...photography, or artwork or reading (and somedays i do) but today i wanted to live it well--to the full.  that's a tall order with no money, no friends and no where to go;)  but factor in a lil imagination and anything could happen...

with the girl gone during at school during the day...it's just me and the wonderboy.  i love the everyday fun we make together. not the kind that costs alot or is really complex or time consuming or all planned out...just a little fortbuilding and song singing and hide n go seek lunch is good enough for me.

so we grabbed all the pretty blankets in the house and drug them out to the screened in porch area to build a fort that wouldn't get in this momma's way in the livingroom;)  we quickly discovered the walls were cement out there so there would be no cheating and tacking our fortress into the wall to hold it up....so we got reallllly creative and used ladders and books and chip clips and things of that nature.  it's a tough job to build a fort with a four year old--they have all these crazy ideas and plans...that are not my own:)  but build it we did....just in time for lunch.  

when jae was little i'd play a little game with her lunch...and i just realized the other day that i've never done it with rhett!  it's called hide n go seek lunch!  so i make their lunch, pack it up and hide it all over the house...then they have to find it.  sometimes the game turns into hot and cold, sometimes it's played with no hints at all and sometimes i just point and giggle.  it's wayyyyy fun and an EASY way to gain SUPERMOM status in a preschooler's eyes.  who knew finding broccoli in the oven and capri sun in the fireplace would be such a riot?  he LOVED it.  just like his big sissy did not too long ago...

so naturally we took our hide n go seek lunch and ate it in the tent (of course)...and rhett sang me songs and we battled mr claw (from inspector gadget) together.  these are the best days.

funny thing, this tuesday was free and i wouldn't trade it for solid gold.    from now on i think we'll find something free and creative to do every tuesday...

{celebrations : letters & emma friends}

"until further notice, celebrate EVERYTHING!"--pinterest

letter writing is a lost art.  it's one of those things that you don't have time to do, never think to do, and wouldn't know what to say even if you did...but when someone sends you a little note via the postman, it's a definite day changer.

in our rocky yet wonderful transition from missouri to florida the kids and i have gotten into the habit of writing quite a few letters to all the people we miss back home.  and you know?  it's been really fun.  when we first started my 10 year old didn't know how to address an envelope...or that sending a letter required a stamp:)  it's been such a cool teaching tool but more than that...it's such a simple and easy way to bless someone who's far away.  jae's got a few pen pals back in missouri now and even has her own lil stash of stamps and envelopes...i'm so glad that letter writing has been revived in our lives!  because seriously, it only costs 44 cents and can change the world.

the most recent letter we've received was a thank you letter from emma, jae's best friend back "home".

here's the backstory--emma is j's best friend from missouri.  they have been kindred spirits for sooooo long.  emma turned nine last week and it was her very first birthday that she's celebrated without jaeda. it was a sad day for both girls.  birthdays in kansas city always started with a trip to the grocery for donuts and shatto milk with our friends.  we'd parade through the old people and sit in the grocery cafe with our wild kiddos.  we'd put our extra long straws straight into the chocolate milk jug and took turns taking sips.  we were a chocolate sprinkle donut mess--everytime.  and i loved. every. minute.

so we didn't get to do donuts on em's birthday this year but you better believe we celebrated in florida without her.  because around these parts...birthdays are trumped ONLY by christmas.  trust me--fourth of july pales in comparison.  i so love to celebrate people and didn't want jae to miss out on celebrating one of her very favorite people...so for em's 9th birthday we celebrated emma well!  we wrote emma letters, drew her pictures, wrapped her gifts, danced to her favorite songs, made her a cake (and blew out her 9 candles), we took a "who knows emma best" quiz, we watched em's favorite movie and enjoyed her favorite snack...buttery popcorn!  it was a fun night...not as fun as it would have been WITH her but way better than nothing:)  see? even missing a birthday party can be fun;)

a few days after we celebrated emma day from afar we received this letter in the mail from that sweet, sweet girl:

(spelling and punctuation all emma's)

Dear, The Dickens,
I would send you all a piece of cookie cake right now.  But it's as hard as rock.  When are you guys coming back? Please do not say in a long time.  There is no fun around here.  I want the passes of Oceans of fun and Worlds of Fun to be for all of us!   Those cards you send were like an art gallery!  Lexi and Jaeda, you are outstanding artists and I mean it!  Eric or Ucky <what she called eric when she was a baby> you need to work on your art skills a lot!!  I am so blessed that God carefully picked out our beautiful family.  I have never met a more "Go for it" family.  I miss you so much!  And love you like  family.
Love,
Emma <3

hands down one of the best letters EVER!  jae's bff is one special girl.  and the friendship we have with that perry family is solid gold.

today...i'm celebrating friends that feel like family--emma friends.  oh and letters.  what are you celebrating???