roadtrip rant

i just got back from a long drive to see my baby sister.   if i had my choice of people to be related to, i'd pick my 4 siblings every time.  we have a fierce love and loyalty to each other.  it's so very hard living so far from them all...

so, normally my sister trips are under better circumstances--we laugh and cook and laugh and eat and laugh and talk...and laugh some more...and eat some more:) this time notsomuch.  my sis savannah just moved to virginia and had a weeklong stay in the icu.  her husband works out of town and stayed with her as long as he could...but practically, he had to get back to work after a week.  so, i had to go.  work, life, family, to do lists, money and everything else could wait.  my sister was alone and sick and just needed someone...whether SHE thought so or not.  so we packed some bags and booked a rental car (neither of our cars were up for a roadtrip) and went.

eric drove me and those children of mine to pick up the priceline-super-cheap rental car for our lil roadtrip...fully expecting a lil prius or corolla...instead, the kind mustached man at the counter gave me the keys to a brand new red mustang.  ARE U KIDDING ME?  this sister trip just got a lil extra wonderful!!!  i'm not a sports car kinda girl...but for a road trip?  up the coast?  with my kiddos?  in the summer?  you betcha.  the 3 of us just pretended we owned that fine pony for a few glorious days.  i tried my best not to think about how i was cheating on my maroon 2001 chevy malibu with no air conditioner or cd player waiting for me at home and just drove...

we went north.  past savannah georgia, past charleston sc, past myrtle beach and up to richmond va.

we sang some taylor swift and drew some silly pictures and stopped at red boxes for more movies all along the way.  my kids were perfect angels.  they are roadtrip warriors.  they know a good roadtrip requires little to no whining, lots of good music, snacks and entertaining yourself.  man, i love those two.

with rhett's curly head playing gi joes in the backseat and jae riding shotgun with sunglasses and a good book...there were no backseat squabbles.  they were both tickled that we were driving the "fast car" and were on their very best behavior.

that left me & music & the mustang & an open road.  i literally took one highway for all but 30 min of the drive--it was ideal.  the luxury of uninterrupted thinking time was like a spa for my soul.  there was nothing to do but drive and think.  there was no guilt.  there was nothing else i could be doing--should be doing.  no dishes or pictures or fun games or sunshine a-wasting...just me & driving.  i am so sidetracked on a daily basis.  i have a bit of a.d.h.d. that keeps me...in a constant state of crazy.  so when i can focus on just one thing...it's beautiful.  it was a wonderful blur.

with my gramma's weather navigation helping me all the way--we eventually made it to vannah.  we talked her ear off (rhett mostly), loved on her, fed her, babied her a little and saw some sights.  it was so very good to see her home and that she was on the mend from her awful week in the hospital.  i so would have regretted not going up to make sure that she was going to be okay...it was a good trip...but i couldn't help looking forward to that wonderful mustang drive home.

we got in the car and did much of the same thing on the way back...but instead of north we drove south.  i was a little sad driving away from my sister (always am) so we made up a car game called the happy list.  jae and i went through the whole alphebet thinking of something that starts with each letter that makes us totally blissfully happy.  she'd write hers and mine--hers and mine.  than when we were done and satisfied with our answers we asked rhett his unbiased opinion on which was better.  anne of green gables or airplanes.  bubble tea or baths.  the circus or citrus smells.  i won.  :)  it cheered me right up and on we drove.  i spent the whole drive up to virginia untangling my very crazy, knotted, un-looked after thoughts so the drive back i was able to come to some clear conclusions...and here they are.  i just have to share a bit of my crazy...

i've been living a very frustrating life as of late.  i've been expecting perfection from myself and those around me.  i have had the crazy notion that if i practice doing the things that don't come easy to me (organization, cleanliness, silence, self restraint, responsibility, punctuality, faithfulness, etc) that soon enough not only would i be creative and fun and flexible and thoughtful...i would be all those other wonderful things too.  well...i've spent the last year discovering that is NOT how life works.  but it's the doctrine under which i've been ordering my life.  what has happenned is i am expending so much energy trying to get better at the things i stink at that...i have no energy left to be what i am.  what He made me.  i am not saying He made me perfect and i just "need to be me".  i am not saying that there is not room for growth.  but the growth must happen in His time and under His masterful soul tending hand otherwise...well...i've found there is little light in the world.

all of my life people have pointed at me and said things like, "you are too ____."  fill in the blank with things like loud, opinionated, weird, random, late, irresponsible.  and i've felt those things like i feel everything...very intensely.  so in my new start in florida i've tried not to be those things...because alot of those things have gotten me in trouble.  with my fresh florida start i wanted to be the best version of myself ever...and yet...it's been so very confusing.  i've been so frustrated with trying to be someone else for all the noblest reasons.

somewhere between virginia and florida He uncovered the truth that He doesn't want me to change myself...HE wants to redeem who i am.  BIG thought (for me at least).  this thought brought relief to my heart and tears to my eyes.  He wants to take what i already am--my loud, opinionated day dreaming idealistic self and He wants to change none of that...He just wants to use it for His good instead of my own...AH HA!  so very simple (it always is).

i've been trying to inch grace out of my life.  i've been thinking that He wants me to be more like Him...He's probably ready to see me change and grow and i'm going too slow.  but in my rush...i ended up right back where i started....basking in His grace.  His grace + nothing.  and here i was trying so hard...

i got out of that mustang a different girl.  i feel like i've been trying to clean the mansion of my soul for the last year...a mansion that has some wonderful things to enjoy but i never let myself sit down.  there was always another dusty corner or dirty bathroom i had to tend to.  it was work work work.  my Father was shaking His head the whole time saying something like, "martha, martha" i'm sure.  but i was too busy to hear His voice.  i thought i knew what He wanted....obedience, self discipline, growth...but turns out all He wanted was me.  He didn't want an un-lexi version of lexi...He just wanted me as is....and He could handle the changing.  He wants the airheady, irresponsible, un-phone call returning me.

this is my road trip truth.  it feels like i just stepped out of the library and into the book.  everything looks wonderful again.  everything looks exciting and colorful.  and the knot of frustration that was stealing all my strength...yea, He untangled that.  i just had to drive 22 hours to create time to see what He wanted to show me.

i love roadtrips...and rants...and freedom.