last friday, i heard of the connecticut tragedy through my sister. i spent the next few hours glued to my computer searching for updates--watching closely as they interviewed shocked children and falsely reported bits of news and gossip intermittently. i was fixated on this tragedy...trying to gather information in lieu of the control i craved.
when my kindergarten son jumped in my car after school later that day, i could barely look at him without losing it. i was so lucky. i was so very very lucky to have two wonderful, healthy children. i was startled by the feelings of guilt that rumbled in my soul. i felt guilty that my kids came home on friday and 20 other mom's sweet babies did not.
i wish i could say i loved my kids better these last two days but honestly, i grieved all weekend. couldn't shake the dark cloud in my soul from all the heartbreak i saw on my computer screen. i couldn't stop thinking about the kids. the moms. the police. the town. the gunman. his brother. i guess i'm the sensitive type--that's why i don't watch the news in the first place. this horrific story sucked me in and spit me out, and rendered me useless. my imagination took over and ran so many scenarios in my head it made me tired. i found myself scampering back and forth from trying to find answers to searching for someone to shake and blame. the answers and the blaming made me feel, once again...as if i had some control over what happened...thousands of miles from me...in a school i'd never before heard of...to children and families i'd never met. silly, yes...but all too human.
over the weekend i noticed some people only needed hours to mutate this tender situation into a political debate. i was surprised to find that this was the time for the great gun debate and the lack of government help for the mentally handicapped. the more i thought about them and their opinions, the more those people were just like me...trying to find someone to blame. trying to find just the right angle to grasp some precious control in this chaotic world we live in. less guns, more guns, better health care...i heard and saw it all.
i took it all in and was greatly saddened as a greater perspective pervaded my thinking. there really is no answer to this one. but, oh how we want one! we are all searching for it. we want the police to come back with an investigation that uncovers all the tell tale signs of why this young boy made these choices. we want that information to be able to stop any chance of a "next time". but whatever the investigation turns up--there is not, and never will be, a clear person to blame here. there is no reason for this. there is no legislation that can help and no doors big and strong enough to protect our children.
i guess i think that this connecticut tragedy, like all the rest of them...is a human problem. one that's been around forever. only the near sighted can believe that this is a new problem. the weapons we have make it look a little different but in Bible times as well as now...hurt people, hurt people. always have and always will. guns or not. laws or not. health care or not. hurt people, hurt people and the only way out of this crazy cycle of hurt is...LOVE. love is the only known antidote of hurt. love heals.
i'm simple. i'm idealistic. i know i'm a little out there but ... i think LOVE is the only preventative to this human problem. i wonder, who was in adam's life? loving him? befriending him? as a child...as a teenager...through his parents divorce...at his dr's appointments? who cared about him before this day? who noticed him? who called out his strengths and encouraged him???
here's what i know...love changes things. and if i want things to change, i think it's my calling to love my neighbors...my friends...my friends kids...MY KIDS...my kids friends...people i meet in the store or at a basketball game. i think the very tiniest thing i can do in response to such a crisis is to love those around me. not just the ones i want to. not just the ones that smell good and make me laugh. not just my own kids or family either. no, it's not that simple. i think it's my calling to love all those i come in contact with. hurt will always happen. there is no getting around that. but if love heals hurt and i have some to give...why i am i not passing more of it out?
this world changing love i'm talking about, it must be bold. this love can't take no for an answer. this kind of love sails over uncomfortability. love loves awkward. love does it anyway. this brand of love doesn't need guns to change things...it needs people...people willing to love. love hard. love with their whole lives.
we americans make love into something we keep very private. we take care of our own and that is all. we barely give our neighbor's christmas cookies, for heaven sake! it's very american to like our space and our boundaries and our privacy. people are weird-ed out by acts of love because we are independent and strong...and sadly, love has become a bit of a rarity. we are all too busy arguing on facebook about whether or not teachers should have assault rifles to look around and practice loving the hurt people all around us. our debates on fb and these very words on my blog...they don't require much...it's easier to argue over guns and healthcare then to simply, love each other.
now, lets be honest, this kind of love takes work...sacrifice. it may sound over simplified but love is hard. it's selfless. it's time consuming. it's an interruption. it requires slowing down and looking around. it requires getting out of OUR comfort zone to help. to hug. to listen. love can be expensive. love can be tiring. but if love is the only thing that can promise healing in this broken world my children live in...then i will give my life to love.
